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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 30, 2015 9:21am-9:54am PDT

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( waves crashing ) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." i'm jon stewart. we have a very good program for you this evening. my guest tonight, amanda seyfried. (cheers and applause) but first, i know there's been a lot of talk about what i'm going to do after this show. "will jon return to male
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modeling? i used to make model airplanes. (laughter) or perhaps shall i fulfill my destiny as the star child? (laughter) wow. first time i saw that one. all options i've considered and discarded because today i'd like to officially announced that i'm hosting a new show for c-span called "hate watch with jon stewart." (cheers and applause) here's a sneak preview. >> coming up next on c-span jon stewart looks at congress in c-span's new show, "hatewatch." then at 11:30 p.m., on book tv author michio discusses the challenges of writing a memoir when there's a bee trapped in
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your office. >> hi, everybody. welcome to "hatewatch" on c-span 2, i'm jon stewart. why don't we take a look today and see what the congress is up to. >> a bipartisan bill to provide assistance to human trafficking victims and additional resources to law enforcement has gotten stuck in the senate. >> jon: it appears the senate is stuck on a bill i'm not sure every american not involved in trafficking humans for sex would support. that sounds like something i would hate. tell me more. >> democrats are stripping out hyde amendment. >> jon: hyde amendment named
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after republicans, blocking use of federal money for abortions, just because the procedure is completely legal doesn't mean it has to be treated that way. i see what's happened a little bit of republican what we at c-span two call (bleep)ry. how did the sex trafficking bill get passed past committee without any not republicans complaining. >> when the bill was approved by both democrats and republicans democrats admitted they didn't read it fully. >> jon: you didn't read it fully. what, did you just skim it to see if your name was mentioned? mom! i'm in the bill! >> we didn't know it was in the
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bill. you can blame it on staff, blame it on whoever you want to blame it on. >> jon: how about i blame not reading the bill on "you." senator harry reid, the guy in charge of senate democrats whose last name is lirldly literally" reid ." how did you not read this bill? that's like going to john waters' house and finding out all of his plants are dead. john, you should have "last named" them! but as it turns out, the aforementioned (bleep)ery was running it. >> a republican judiciary committee staffer sent a democratic staffer a summary of previous changes in seven bullet points. guess what. they left out the change they
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made. >> rvps announcing trusting them was a mistake. >> jon: you think? and you know who that's on? you. the the same way nobody blames the bears in "grizzly man" for eating the delicious-looking meat sack who kept sticking his hands in their poop. because bears are bears. perhaps it's time on "hatewatch" to go to the phone. >> "hatewatch" sponsored by by arby's. >> jon: just call the number on your screen (laughter) first caller. you're on the air. >> caller: jon, clearly the problem here is black people don't have an american work ethic and can't really
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understand civilization, so as long as president broke o'bummer is in office oppressing white people -- >> jon: goodbye. let's return to our examination of how a bipartisan sex trafficking bill is stuck in the senate. i believe mitch mcconnell would like to make apoint. a point. >> the language that they now profess to find offensive was in there from the beginning. they all voted for the very same language in a bill in december. (jon screaming) i need a moment. >> up next we train our cameras on an empty podium long before anyone approaches it to speak. >> jon: i'm all right. unless senator mcconnell is about to in the immediate aftermath of complaining that the democrats are using an
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unrelated issue to hold up important senate business -- hold up important senate business with an unrelated issue. >> senate majority leader mitch mcconnell says he'll put off a vote on nominee loretta lynch until the senate passes a human trafficking bill. >> jon: help! help! >> we rejoin live a reenactment of a civil war reenact meantime book panel. >> blah, blah blah gettysburg. north freedom, blah, blah, blah, look at my hair i'm so old i wear a bow tie! >> fascinating... >> jon: appears the failure of the sex trafficking bill to pass the senate would seal the victory for (bleep)ry in this case but we won't sure until we know for sure from a vote on the senate floor accompanied by by
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classical music to make you feel smart. (music) >> jon: this is taking too long. i'll make another announcement. six and a half minutes ago, c-span 2 gave me an incredible opportunity to host this show. but now i think it's time for anyone else. please "hatewatch" doesn't se serve a host who's even slightly nauseous. i don't know when i'll be leaving "hatewatch." yes, i do. right bheep now. wow! that was a nightmare! we'll be right back! ♪ ♪ live a full life.
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like hickory ham... that's right baby. ...and our buttery seasoned crusts. then we add hot. because hot makes everything better. [ ding! ] [ female announcer ] better taste. better quality. ♪ hot pockets! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. as we know, the typical american diet is rich in essential poisons.
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and with the body of scientific proof the agra and food lobby have turned our menu into antibiotics and cool ranch carcinogens. the question is now that we have this knowledge, now that the american people are aware of this, what are food companies going to do about it? >> little caesar's great theny new pizza wrapped in three and a half feet of bacon! >> jon: it appears they're going to say (bleep) you anyway. (laughter) screw your health study! littlelittle caesar's will wrap it in bacon, batter it, deep fry it and feed it through your anus with a 32-ounce soda. (laughter) the last part is if you have the coupon. (laughter) the i don't give a (bleep)
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approach is getting a lot of traction in the a fast food community. >> what could be better than golden corral's piping hot delicious yeast rolls? how about six yeast rolls to take home! >> cotton candy and the chocolate wonder-fall. both part of our endless buffet for one incredibly low price. >> you heard right. friday's best appetizers are now endless. >> go olive garden's buy one take one, go for dinner tonight and take home a second entree for later. >> jon: later? you went there for dinner! are you worried you will get lightheaded unless you have a spare dinner for the ride home? which olive garden are you going to? you can choose one that's close to you! and isn't such a far drive that you need a second dinner! there's almost as many olive gardens as starbucks! idea for a business combo pasta
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and coffee chain restaurant, olive bucks. featured menu item, the vinty rose mary mocha alfredo, 3,000 calories of "oh, my god... " god... ... makes me feel like homer simpson. while some establishments are giving ouro beecies crisis a chubby middle finger, othersings are more conflicted. mcdonald's in january. >> all vegetarians, foodies and gastronauts avert your eyes. you can't get juiciness like this from soy or quinoa. this is not greek yogurt, nor will that ever be kale. >> jon: we clear, you foody (bleep)s? the only kale mickey d.'s will ever serve is to the chicken whose anus goes in your mcnuggets!
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but then in march, we hear this -- >> mcdonald's offering healthier fair, last week executives announced the u.s. restaurants will not be selling chicken raised with antibiotics over the next two years. >> jon: see, now i'm conflicted. i want healthier options, but i'll sure miss treating my ear infections with the buffalo ranch mcchicken. (laughter) they're making -- the making food less bad for you crave is spreading. >> dunkin' donuts eliminating the chemical that gives powdered doughnuts the bright white look. >> jon: i'm not a chef...
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but i thought the thing that gave those donuts the bright white look was powdered sugar! the company wants the p.r. of going healthy but doesn't actually want to improve the product. >> we want to move to a new kids eat right label soon to be appearing on kraft singles from the academy of nutrition and dietetics. >> jon: why? here's how you know craft has not changed their ingredients. kraft is still not legally allowed to call this product "cheese." how do you wonder kraft singles manage to wrangle a kids eat right label? >> the academy has a program called kids eat right, entered an agreement to help support this program and in exchange can get to put this label on their
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products. >> kraft is paying the academy -- >> jon: sounds reasonable. the academy of dietetics is academy like this is cheese. we should start just embracing who we really are and start with the beacon of freedom who drew so many of our ancestors here with those famous words -- give me your thai foo
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oh, i love game night. ooh, it's a house and a car! so far, you're horrible at this, flo. yeah, no talent for drawing, flo. house! car! oh, raise the roof! no one? remember when we used to raise the roof, diane? oh, quiet, richard i'm trying to make sense of flo's terrible drawing. i'll draw the pants off that thing. oh, oh, hats on hamburgers! dancing! drive-in movie theater! home and auto. lamp! squares. stupid, dumb. lines. [ alarm rings ] no! home and auto bundle from progressive. saves you money. yay, game night, so much fun.
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(son) oh no... can you fix it, dad? yeah, i can fix that. (dad) i wanted a car that could handle anything. i fixed it! (dad) that's why i got a subaru legacy. (vo) symmetrical all-wheel drive plus 36 mpg. i gotta break more toys. (vo) the twenty-fifteen subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru. (cheers and applause) >> jon: my guest tonight, got a new movie out called "while we're young." >> it's an avocado and almond milk sorbet and he designed the container. >> tastes like the candy where sometimes pigs are little fruits. >> yeah, it's (bleep). i know that. >> i want to say baklava but that's a greek desserts.
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>> the almond fruits are made of -- >> i'll look it up. no, that's too easy. let's try to remember it. (piano music in background) >> can i now? no, let's just not know what it is! >> jon: please welcome amanda seyfried! (cheers and applause) ♪ how are you?! (applause) very funny movie. >> it's a great movie. >> jon: it's a very funny movie, and you're very funny in it. >> i am? >> jon: from what i saw yes. you, young laidy. >> thank you. >> jon: you're one of those actors that always surprise me in that you're a good actor but then you have this musical side burks -- no frowny! very good! like which was first for you were you musically inclined or acting first? >> i think i was acting but i
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auditioned -- this is what it was, i auditioned for annie on broadway and started taking voice lessons to get to tomorrow, right, and then the audition was awful in philadelphia somewhere and i didn't get it and started taking voice lessons. >> jon: everything in philadelphia, really. not just auditions. >> really? >> jon: (bleep) -- well it's not my fault. >> jon: my wife is from philadelphia. >> too bad. >> jon: no, it's not! it is a great city. >> jon: thanks. brotherly love. >> jon: well, you grew up in pennsylvania. did you follow the sports? were you an's also or phillies fan? >> none. >> jon: do you have a relatives because the huge dividing of jersey is if you're from northern jersey or central jersey you're all new york teams. if you are south of that, you're all philly teams and so the bar i worked at was just fist
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fights. >> i mean, it's exciting to have that much passion for a team -- but really, at the end of the day -- (laughter) >> jon: may i follow your statement to its conclusion? at the end of the day who really gives a (bleep). (laughter) can you tell you something? i've never had it broken down to me like that before. >> great! >> jon: you could have saved me a good 50 years of my life. >> really? >> jon: i was obsessed with that stuff. is that why you had time to develop talent? >> i -- maybe. but i think it's also because i hate to -- i'm a girl i'm a lady. i like to craft and stuff. i don't want to watch ball. >> jon: but i like to craft! i just make sports jerseys. >> well, listen, that's great! >> jon: what do you craft? what type of things do you craft? >> i paint, i knit, i make paper flowers. >> jon: is there anything you do that doesn't add to the world?
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(laughter) >> that stuff does nothing for the world. >> jon: you ever do any woodworking? >> you know what? grace from "blue bloods," she has a wood shop in her basement and she invited me there once and i made something that didn't seem like anything burks soifts fun. i made a block of wood and i -- it was really stupid but really fun. >> jon: wood comes in a block already. (laughter) >> no, i shaved it. >> jon: you shaved it down. i had a machine. it was dangerous. >> jon: i had a wood shop. you did? >> jon: i made my son's first changing table. >> what! >> jon: then they were born and i haven't been in it since (laughter) >> you say you watch sports but you made a changing table. >> jon: something to do while sports were on.
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>> multi-tasking. >> jon: yeah everyone does. we have a lot of guests on the show. we've had presidents on this show people, we've never had a guest on the show who has brought a dog like this. may i show? this is wyatt who lives here and the one on the left is sven. the most beautiful dog. that's a shepherd. >> an australian shepherd. >> jon: he's so well behaved and kind. how old is he? >> five. >> jon: how long have you had him in. >> five years. >> jon: you're his mommy?! really, we have a lot of dogs running around here, but a lot of them -- and i wouldn't say this in front of them -- don't hold a candle to him. >> i know a lot of dogs like that. you're right. he's on another level. >> jon: yeah. he looks at you. >> jon: yeah.
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he's my spiritual guide. i'm serious. >> jon: like the wolf. he's like part wolf. >> yes yes. >> jon: he's the first dog i met in a while that i thought, i really hope he humps my leg. do you know what i mean? >> that's so sweet of you! (laughter) >> jon: hope you don't take offense at that. >> no, i'm sure he had a great time with you. >> jon: i hope he did. i would like for him to come back and visit us. >> you heard the grunting riot. they were having a riot. >> jon: riot were the other dogs there and they were playing and grunting. they had a lovely time. >> they are lovely dogs. >> jon: you were fixing to say something terrible about that between riot and sven. >> i can't say it now (laughter) >> jon: it's lovely to have you on the program. "while we're young," opens
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march 27 in los angeles. more cities the following week. amanda seyfried everybody! ♪ (cheers and applause) the volkswagen golf was just named motor trend's 2015 car of the year. so was the 100% electric e-golf. and the 45 highway mpg tdi clean diesel. and last but not least the high performance gti. looks like we're gonna need a bigger podium. the volkswagen golf family. motor trend's 2015 "cars" of the year.
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>> jon: that's our show. don't forget to download the latest episode of "the daily show" podcast featuring an interview with jason jones. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> thank you for your distinguished career in the secret service and for stepping up and taking over this agency at such a difficult time. when i was a young boy i always looked up -- i mean the secret service, wow, that was it. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> larry: tonightly, we ask the question can a foreign-born half-white man be our next president? the answer according to one woman, hell no! ( laughter ) ted cruz went to harvard, just
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like unabomber ted kaczynski. hey, harvard stop admitting dudes named ted. so throw it into cruz control, this is "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪